sometimes, i give in to the craziness

today, pictures say it all.

a new project, a new home?

matt’s dreaming.

pretty, pretty sidewalks.

crossing my fingers.

good things about being married (to mr. matt)

getting tucked in to bed, being told i’m pretty, coming home from a long day of work  and school late at night to butternut squash soup, getting in to a warm car on a cold morning, traveling the world, being in the shower and realizing i have no towel and having one delivered, having someone to whine at, scruffy man face, mr. professional brilliant matt, having someone to run back to wegmans because i left a bag of tofu and artichokes there, cuddly naps, coming home to him, not having to drive when he’s with me, getaway weekends, getting mr. matt to try new things, scruffy man face when he eats something he doesn’t like, changing together, being forgiven, being apologized to, being able to make our home lovely, hugs, being reminded to vote, having someone to eat out with every meal on the weekends, eating tacos together, sharing bottles of wine, sometimes when matt leaves the house before me and i’m still in bed i hear him lock the door and then check it to make sure i’m locked in all safe, the smell of his cologne, having someone to share funny stories with and hear him laugh, watching him evolve and grow and turn 25,26,27,28,29,30,31…, giving out candy together on halloween, hosting christmas eve dinner, having someone around who tells me:

its okay to change your mind, its okay to change your style, its okay to make mistakes, its okay to cry, its okay to try something new, its okay to throw out everything and start over, its okay to throw away dinner and go to our favorite restaurant, its okay to take a nap, its okay to spend money on frivolous things, its okay to move, its okay to quit, its okay to get that $40 head band you really want, its okay to be mad, its okay to paint all day, its okay to call out sick, its okay.

i am so glad i said yes to mr. matt and i am so lucky to have met him

me: whats your favorite color?

mr. matt: burgundy

me: whats your favorite thing to do?

mr. matt: hook up with you

brooklyn on halloween

i did my own form of trick or treating today in brooklyn at the brooklyn flea and brooklyn design coop. i bought 2 necklaces and a scarf (suprise, suprise). sampled some pickles. on the way back to the car, spotted this gate, i think the secret garden may have been behind it. guess we’ll never know.

on my mind today

charging my camera and actually keeping it with me and actually taking pictures with it and actually getting them on to my laptop and actually getting them on my blog, fridays rock, eating eggs benedict and salad with my mom at the diner, i’m all like not blow drying my hair anymore, parents on a plane, taking my iron pills, brooklyn flea market, mama chuch for yum-yums, girlfriends, decoupage, magazines, scarves, salsa, hosting a crafty fun night soon, writing thank you cards to those I love that need to be thanked, writing a get well soon card to someone special, loving bigger, an article i just read called “countertransference and disaster psychiatry” whoa, needing to get my teeth (and mr. matt’s) signed up for dental insurance, mr. matt, getting to church, figuring out which church, figuring out what to wear to said church, the fact that a blog with no pictures is boring with a capital B

out of the loop

since i am partly using this blog as a personal journal, one i am trying to be somewhat committed to actually writing in, i must jump back in. i am not quite sure why some people choose to hide grief. for me, i can’t. i am real and raw and would feel misunderstood if i didn’t share my grief.

i we have just experienced a very personal tragedy, the loss of our little angel baby. my our pregnancy didn’t work out. i don’t like the word miscarriage and i don’t need to give details. suffice it to say, i took weeks off work, and am coming out from under the covers (literally) as a different, somehow better person. i see the world differently. the bitterness, anger, and confusion have melted away and i have a new clarity about things like whats important and who i am. there were a few days where i thought i was losing my mind. i thought g-d had left me. but the good news is that g-d never left me. this angel baby has really given me a lot. more on that another day. 

tonight:

getting off from work, riding my bike to the doctor’s office around the corner, making dinner with my best buddy, missing matt while he is in class, walking spencer, smiling

things i am trying to do

trying to do homework, trying to have faith, trying not to go crazy, trying to stay calm, trying to take life one day (sometimes one hour) at a time, trying to be hopeful, trying to eat healthy, trying to get things done, trying to write in APA style, trying to be good at work, trying to stay organized, trying to be nice, trying to remember things, trying to not hate driving, trying to dream, trying to find the meaning of it all, trying to paint, trying to breathe deeper, trying to have clearer skin, trying to read, trying to stop watching so much tv, trying to stop trying so hard

the word trying looks so super-wierd now.

things i’ve been up to in september

settling back into my cubicle, using a planner, hiking hacklebarney state park, seeing food inc, finally becoming a serious vegetarian (or pescetarian – i still eat fish occasionally), meeting friends anywhere and everywhere – panera, pf changs, starbucks, baja fresh, chipotle, stein mart parking lot, blue moon yoga (love, love, love), testing for being a bone marrow donor, watching silly shows on bravo, shopping for camping supplies, buying a sweatercoat i saw in the anthropologie catalog (matt’s the ultimate best), making healthy lunches for matt, getting a facial, going to class, downloading stevie wonder songs for my ipod, being on call for jury duty, forgetting about jury duty, forgetting what day it is, lunching

in pursuit of the perfect veggie burger (drum roll please) … italian-style parmesan bean burgers

i have been experimenting with making things vegetarian (especially bean burgers), and was thinking of ways to get that chicken-parmesan-esque flavor, without being tofurky. so, here is what i came up with. the carnivore matt really liked them, too.

ingredients:

1 can white beans – puree them (i used cannelloni)

1 onion caramelized and then pureed

1 clove of garlic minced

fresh parsley minced (to taste)

fresh basil minced (to taste)

1 egg

italian style breadcrumbs

salt and pepper

mix this concoction together, and put the mixing bowl in the refrigerator for a little while, until the mixture gets cold. once cold, make burgers. pan fry with a little olive oil, both sides until cooked through. serve with a dollop of red sauce and a sprinkle of parmesan cheese. so yum and worth the prep.

what i am right now

daughter, government employee, friend, wife, girlfriend, graduate student, future counselor/psychotherapist, sister-in-law, private chef to my family and friends, musician, artist, daughter-in-law, fan, scarf-wearer, buyer, supporter of asbury window, constant dreamer, lover, bike rider, writer, constant furniture re-arranger, dog mommy, painter, nutrition fanatic, singer, letter writer, collager, expert salsa-maker, definitly not the level-headed one

things i am gearing up for in the fall (i.e. my new life)

back to work in my old office, less work travel, more gym, georgian court counseling psych program – monday night’s group counseling and professional seminar, institute for integrative nutrition in nyc every third weekend, leaves changing color, being able to wear scarves to work again, rarely wearing black suits – yay for business casual, bike riding, regular lunch time, my own space – even though its a cube, food shopping on my lunch break, printing recipes, having a plant on my desk, down time, maybe doing a little freelance writing, ballet flats